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For those of us in motherhood who feel like we just don't fit in.
This year I did something completely out of my comfort zone and signed my little Bear up for dance lessons!
I knew that this was new territory for us both, but I just had to enroll. The first time I noticed her dance, she was in my belly. When music would play, I could feel her perk up and move around like a baby ballerina on my bladder. After she was born, she would only stop crying in the car when music was played. Every time there was music on a movie, she would shake her little booty and try to spin. She was going to love dance!
The one thing I didn't account for was my previously extraverted girl turning into little a shy version of me. When we got to the studio, she was too scared to go in. She sat at the door looking at the other girls, refusing to enter. I had never seen this social butterfly act this way, and it was all too familiar to me.
When I was a little girl, my favorite activity was playing by myself. Give me a toy, and unlimited amount of free time, and you wouldn't see me for days. I loved being by myself in my own little princess world. If I ever needed a play date, I had 4 siblings to play the parts in my games, though I didn't need most of the time.
This is an amazing quality, until you have to go to school and interact with "people". Back in time when preschool wasn't a given life experience, Kindergarten was my first time being thrown into a crowd and interacting with strangers. I still remember my first day of class, crying on the way to kindergarten room. I remember the rug I had to sit on in Mrs. Jensen's class, and the moment I had to be separated from Mom. I was terrified. It seemed like everyone already knew each other, and I was an outsider in this tiny 5-year-old's mind.
And that's when a sweet little five-year-old approached me and said, "Hi! I'm Melissa! Will you be my friend?" All of the fear melted away. I was going to be ok in this new place. That experience is the most vivid memory I have of kindergarten. Not the numbers, letters, or library. Even though time has passed this principle has lasted into more times of life.
I felt that way on the first day of seventh grade. Starting a new school where I had no friends was daunting, to say the least. Not only did I have to not get lost in this new Junior High building, I had to find people to talk to during lunch. I ended finding a pretty rough crowd. The only people outgoing enough to talk to me were also sleeping around in the seventh grade. These friends were obviously not the goal group for this 12-year-old. I came home after the first week of school crying to my sister, "I hate seventh grade! I don't have any real friends. All the girls I talk to are doing bad things, and I just want to quit."
My wise-beyond-her-years sister gave me the best advice I could have ever hoped for: "Erin, if you need a friend, look for people who are also alone. There is always someone else who feels left out, too."
So I tried it. I went back the next day and sat next to a someone. I just started talking to her with her well-being as my goal. I wanted to find someone that was lonely and make them feel better. I did this at every opportunity I had. And something transcendent happened- I realized that there were so many people on the outside that the "outsiders" were the majority. Most all of us felt lonely, scared, and overwhelmed by seventh grade. I continued to do this day after day, until the end of the year. I ran for student council in 8th grade and won!!
Because I had such an amazing example of a sister, my whole life has been changed.
There are so many times as mothers that we are thrown into new experiences, whether it be the PTA, church, or even the grocery store. We show up and discover that everyone else is already friends. We are not in the "let's go to breakfast after we drop the kids off at school" club, or the "let's go on walks together club". It can be a little terrifying. If you have ever felt this way, you are not alone.
Now, every time I am thrown into a situation that gives me anxiety, stress, or makes me feel like the outcast of the group, I forget myself and go to work. There is always someone who needs a friend. Even the people who might seemingly look like they are in the group of choice, may not actually be. And as a mom, don't we all just need someone to ask us about ourselves once in a while?!
With that life experience in my memory, I looked at my now shy ballerina Bear. "Alex, you can be shy for a minute. Take your time. But when you're ready, go look for someone who needs a friend."
And she did. She danced with all those new faced little girls and made new friends. I've never been so proud of her in all my life.
So if you're a mom feeling left out, I have some words of wisdom for you, too. You can be shy for a minute. Take your time. But when you're ready, go look for someone who needs a friend.
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